Who’s the married prankster that decided it’d be a brilliant idea to indoctrinate children with the concept that a man and a woman cohabitating until death is paramount to living a fulfilled life? I understand that for our species to proliferate for the first 40,000 years this coupling was necessary, but now we have Baby Einstein and Uber Eats.

As children, we were left to discover the disparity between masculinity and femininity and how love and sex are viewed through vastly different lenses. And these obvious dissimilarities have been experienced endlessly, however very few young adults address the obvious, blindly convinced that their love is the exception.

Yet, we have a 50 percent divorce rate in America.  

I didn’t make that up.

As we know, physical chemistry can be irresistible, but is it imperative to lock the person down with a contract and a finger shackle to validate their love? That sounds like entrapment to me.

Listen, I’m on your side, people, but someone has to be the bad guy and say something because you little princesses are force-fed the fantastic narrative that a hero will battle his way to bend a knee at your feet, completing you as a woman. And until that undeterred romantic appears with a bowed head, pretty much everything you do is in preparation for a life with this mystery dude. Then eventually, when you’ve kissed a ton of toads to no avail, you finally settle for Mr. Right Now.

Isn’t the idea of a “soul mate” is an oxymoron anyway?

Sure, marriage sounds like a great idea when there’s a honeymoon to look forward to, but when reality strikes, not everyone is prepared for the repetition.

All men and women are not created equal.

And neither is all bud.

They didn’t tell us that, either.