We all know the 10-second rule. When you drop a piece of food, if you pick it up within ten seconds you have beaten the decomposition clock, essentially rescuing the item from the armies of crazed little germs that lie in waiting for food fumbles. In your mind’s eye, these microscopic creatures are blood-thirsty vampires, lurching, smothering it with toxic juices and dripping fangs, rendering your Funyun a potential risk to your body’s wellness. 

Your taste buds, however, may not excuse your blunder. There is not a moment to waste for the fast action determination that will either land that flavor into your mouth, or sadly litter the ground with another dead soldier. This is a decision factored on the intensity of your saliva, painfully anticipating the explosive zest while the impatient clock races to the point of no return.  

You grow weary of your surroundings, weighing the risks of irreparable illness, or judgment from any onlooker within eyeshot. Do you forego the hazards and redeem the gaffe, or exponentially enhance the chance that a frenzy of multiplying bacteria could foster an unpronounceable condition?  

Tick, tick, tick. You’re down to 007.  

You stare upon it, frazzled by the dilemma. This is an exceptional onion-flavored ring, and you are not one to waste tasty salt. The forehead begins to bead. Slow-motion ensues. There is a finite number of Funyuns in existence and this one is yours. You put the fun in Funyun. You reach down and pinch the item with two fingers, brush any dirt across your jeans, inspect it momentarily, then hammer into the crunchiness with a shear jaw clamp. You chew and finish. You do not lick your fingers this time but wipe the hand on your jeans and go about your extremely busy day.

In this unpredictable world where the strong survive, acquiring good food comes with challenges, and you are not one to be wasteful. Besides, those little critters are pure protein. Kind of like a ladybug on a blooming nug of weed.  

Not that you would ever eat one. Unless of course, it came after your Funyun.