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Episode #199 – Fuck Baby Shark

I know, harsh title, but someone had to say it. 

Because we’ve all found ourselves subjected to that annoying Jackyl of a song. And the melody is so phenomenally irritating, that it has now become a guaranteed way to jack someone with an unsuspecting prank. Just play Baby Shark when their attention is completely preoccupied with something of actual signifigance in their life, and watch their temperature rise. 

What once was cute is now diabolical and far from funny. Because the moment it embeds into your mind, you’ll swear it’s a glitching computer chip that you can’t locate to destroy. Kinda like getting chased by a swarm singing of bees. 

Baby Shark makes nails on a chalkboard sound like a guided meditation. 

Now, for me this is personal because I suffer from an affliction called repetetive thought loops. This is where an idea, or a sound, will uncontrollably replay in your head. And with Baby Shark, I become incapable of prying myself from this playschool of plinking keyboards and perpetual repetition where the doo doo doo doo doo doo doos ricochet off my brain borders. I go to sleep with it. I wake up with it. It affects my conversations. 

It creates insomnia sadness. 

And there are no baby steps with Baby Shark. Sure, there’s the Jaws soundtrack lead in, but once the first note hits, it becomes heavy metal for kids. It’s like the audio version of one of those infinity mirrors you see in a fun house. But with a fun house, you can leave it where you found it. Not Baby Shark. It preys on you like an unapologetic spam call. 

I’ll bet even sharks hate Baby Shark. In fact, I’d like to cover the creators of Baby Shark with chum and throw them into a Baby Shark tank. 

And by the way, Everything is NOT Awesome!

Unless we’re singing about weed.

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