I feel like being bad.

Therefore, I am going to find a sign on the side of a building that prohibits me from hanging out and purposefully looking like I don’t belong. I’ll don a feather boa, sparkly, ridiculously oversized sunglasses, and a t-shirt that says FUCK CORRUPTION.

I think this is what they mean by NO LOITERING. Because I’ve never used the word loiter once. Like, did the government pull this one from the archives of the Farmer’s Almanac or something? I know they say ignorance of the law is not an excuse for breaking it, but are they trying to trick all passers-by by using a Portuguese word?

Maybe I’m being profiled. Maybe dudes who appear to be up to something other than spending money are automatically categorized into the class of loiterers. Because I had no intention of loitering until you told me not to. And now that I’ve been offended, I’m going to loiter purposefully.

This is my protest.

I will stand here and not spend money until someone arrests my loitering ass. In fact, I will start a club full of people who do nothing but loiter. I will transform the word loiter into the antithesis of the word lawyer. I will run for office, and my campaign slogan will be MAKE AMERICA LOITER AGAIN.

This is all about freedom, people! We only want to hang out, and they have the audacity to put up a sign that says NO LOITERING. Where the fuck are we supposed to loiter, in the woods? Right next to the sign that says NO LITTERING.

This post-pandemic era of division, isolation, and detachment has hit a fever pitch, and loitering is exactly what we need to be doing, you assholes!

So, I’m gonna smoke a joint to calm the nerves.

Hopefully, that too falls into the classification of loitering.