Bring up anything that has to do with people attempting to strategically advance a ball toward an advantageous area outlined by boundaries that will result in points on a scoreboard, and anyone non-competitive will look at you with the same blank expression as Garfield the Cat. “Time is precious. Great moments are few. So why would you knowingly squander them on such a blatant distraction from what is real and important?”

Big sigh.

They aren’t wrong. Millionaires flexing their dominance by out-celebrating each other has about the same importance to our lives as the contrived subplots in The Real Housewives of New Jersey. The bottom line is this–If you’re spending time watching with the hopes that it will make your life better, you’re really screwing up. Because observing fit people battling over a ball from the cushy living room sofa gives new meaning to the term Lazy Boy.

So, why is it so important to vicariously witness our territorial need for dominance through meaningless gladiator games?

Well, there’d be little else to root for without sports. And singing shows, but that’s another subject.

Modernity has spoiled us to the point that this surplus of time (we allegedly enjoy) has allowed us the luxury that only royalty enjoyed hundreds of years ago, which was to sit and observe the toils of the less fortunate attempting to survive. You think this entertainment is free, but quite the contrary, as you are volunteering this free time to the exposure of beer and pizza commercials. And most people would consider that pointless when you could be walking on a nice trail, reading a book, or cooking a meal.

Or actually playing a sport.

However, if you must watch sports, most noncompetitive stoners recommend ripping consecutive bowls first with a friend, as it makes the nonsense tolerable.

And to see who passes out first.