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Episode #238 – Soccer Moms Are The Bestest! (Rewrite of Episode 93)

Let’s all raise our flutes of infused lemonade for a big cheer to those intrepid Dodge Caravanners who make up the backbone of America! You do it all, ladies. You keep the whole tribe in order like the Chief Executive Organizer of the Taylor family, bringing home the bacon, frying it up in a pan, and never letting Dad forget he’s a man.

You captain the crew with equestrian hands, directing the grocery getter through the avenues and lanes, school zones and sports practices, and rattling cat calls from the stands that urge the victories while softening the losses. And all with impeccable punctuality. You value the respect this earns amongst the other mothers with whom you chronicle scenes inside the home, reporting the events with an omniscient eye, desperately aware that these days will evaporate as quickly as your own youth.

You are a conductor, orchestrating the chaos into a seamless symphony with the patience of a glacier through teen shouting matches over clothes swapping and philosophical differences in social image management.

Then, when the evening wanes and the flurry settles into a mindful moment on the couch, a good glass of red and the guilty pleasure of a naughty reality show are a great way to calm the nerves while rubbing the aching dogs. “How do you do it all?” The audience insists on knowing your secret as these words echo in your thoughts.

The purse lies before you on the coffee table. You unfasten the hinge that conceals your essentials. Where there used to be a prescription bottle that rattled like the tail of a diamondback, there is now a vape pen in its place. You push the button, sneak a toke, and the voices of the madding crowd saunter into oblivion, creating open space that will soon again be filled with the sunrise. 

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