A lot of people need to dry out and they know it. So, getting sober is an annual challenge some of my friends will undertake for around thirty days, usually the same month every year. It’s not like they enjoy this exile, but in their mind, abstinence is a necessary evil that is going to miraculously stave off an early grave.

And rehab.

We all know that the body can’t reverse liver and heart damage in the matter of one month, but that’s ok, the effort is nonetheless recognized. And it sure makes for a delicious bender for said participant when the thirty days ends and Ol’ Faithful releases some steam.

This temporary lifestyle change is never easy, and they will struggle to find ways to occupy their attention. Over coffee and fast food, these anxious souls will squirm uncomfortably while plotting their return, romanticizing their immersion into the waterfall of temptation when that clock finally hits 12:01 am on the first day of the new month. 

So, to see the discipline through, they must maximize these efforts while minimizing the FOMO. And that means choosing the surest span with the least amount of opportunity to relapse during this annoying stint. Therefore, Superbowl Sunday will never be part of the equation. Also St. Patrick’s Day, their birthday, and Cinco de Drinko. Spring is no time to get sober, there’s too much excitement and optimism. And summer is completely out of the question. November is a strong candidate, but there’s that four-day holiday of fowl, family and football that begs for self-medication.

So, January makes the most sense.

They say using cannabis disqualifies you from being sober because it’s a mind-altering substance.

I should know, I’ve been Green Sober for 38 days.

Not consecutively, of course.