STONEY BALONEY by Mike Ricker

THE FAT GUY THAT PARTIES

Everyone has known a fat guy that parties, right? Well, maybe not orthodox religious zealots, but that’s just because they don’t have a buddy who drinks, does blow, drops Molly, and then drenches his clothes with sweat from bouncing erratically on the dancefloor to seizure inducing EDM.

Your loss, peeps.

Either way, the iconic Blutarski character made popular by John Belushi in the movie Animal House paved the pizza dough for other actors like Chris Farley who captured the essence of the fat guy that parties like a sommelier captures the essence of rotting grapes.

It’s a roller-coaster personality, either completely vulnerable in an episode of sad self-loathing, or an entire annihilation of all things calm and mature. And whether he’s only drunk or going all-in with the full cornucopia of liquid courage, Columbian marching powder, synthesized psychedelics, or all of it–there’s no way of predicting which way the tornado will turn when his indulge-o-meter goes haywire, transforming an otherwise placid triple bypass burger eating machine into the Tasmanian Devil under a strobe light. You can see the weirdwolf come to life before your very eyes once the first couple beers get chugged and the beaded forehead bears proof that the heart somewhere inside of that ribcage is working tirelessly to not only flush the body with coolant through narrow arteries but futilely attempting to impart a longing for acceptance in a world where skinny bodies are recognized as north star facing moral compasses. And the morbid fascination of seeing a train go off the rails is fun to witness for a minute, but ultimately sad when the harsh reality of twisted meddle surfaces in the aftermath of settled dust and smoke.

God, you want to help him. Because you care. But Cannabis isn’t his thing. “It’s too introspective,” he’ll tell you. And it induces the munchies.